It is funny to me how often people tend to shy away from the word fat when talk with fat people. I feel like I can safely use this term, because that is exactly what I was just 8 short months ago. I wasn't heavy, I wasn't plump, I wasn't thick or voluptuous...I was just plain fat...I had been for years. I was never really concerned with the appearance of different areas of my body because I was just plain fat so why fret & worry about the rest of it...it was like that because I was fat!
After my separation & the birth of my second daughter, I was at an all time low point in my life. On one hand I was a good mom, completely devoted to my two beautiful daughters, but on the other hand I was extremely depressed because my life seemed to be falling apart around me & it didn't seem like I could do anything to change it...or so I thought.
God knew what I needed even better than I did. I was content to have my world revolve around my children doing everything on my own. A friend at church once asked me if I thought I would ever get married again. I laughed & told them that I wasn't looking for anyone...that if God saw fit for me to get married again, then he was just going to have to drop a man in my lap. I now know that God must have been laughing as I said this, because 1 year later that is exactly what he did. Out of the blue an old friend from college I hadn't spoken to in nearly 15 years looked me up. We started hanging out, rekindling our friendship. Before I even realized what was happening, I had fallen in love with this amazing man who was good to me, good to my girls, & who accepted me for exactly who I was in that moment.
You would think that I would be content, but no...but his presence finally gave me the courage to take charge of my life. I started working my way through the approval process for RNY Gastric Bypass with my insurance. During my 6 month approval process I was able to lose 23 pounds & in September, my insurance approved my surgery & I regained control of my life. This has not been an easy load, but I am now 120 pounds down from my highest weight. You would think that losing 120 pounds would make someone happy, but life is always more complicated than that.
While I love my new thinner silhouette, I am now forced to deal with the imperfections my body has to offer due to the excess weight I carried around for all those years. I have tons of excess skin on both my arms & my stomach & my girls are not what they used to be...heck they are almost non-existent! I know that someday I would like to get those things fixed, hoping that I may even be lucky enough to get insurance to cover the stomach. But the thing that bothers me most are my legs. I have tons of vein damage that is visible on my legs. I spider veins, varicose veins, lumpy vein areas, & residual swelling just above my left angle from clot just before I had Kayleigh. I would love to be able to wear shorts, cute capri's, or skirts that are not floor length, but they make me extremely uncomfortable. I don't even like wearing them in my own home. I still find that even after losing 120 pounds the only way I am truly comfortable with the way I look is to be fully covered from head to toe in pants & at least a 3/4 sleeve. I like to be covered!
While I often dream of the body I could have if money were no object, my reality if quick to smack me in the face. A 120 pound weight loss does not mean instant self love...in my case it accentuated the body image issues I had all along. It has emphasized that even though I have worked so hard, there are things about my body I am never going to be able to change without winning the lottery (BTW - I don't play). So I will continue to struggle with learning to love myself! It is a 24/7/365 project that requires extreme diligence' Until I find the happy medium, I will continue to live with my f'ed up body image & just try to be happy!
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